whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
