So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
