It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
