i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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