You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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