New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
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he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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