i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
