Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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