I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
