Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Randomize
