Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
