just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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