if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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