she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
