tonight lets celebrate not being married
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
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