I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
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your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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