she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
