he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
