Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
