I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
