U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
