Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
