Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
