you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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