If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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