Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
