How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
