I just threw up on my dentist
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
