my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
