So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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