I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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