Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
