Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
