whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
