I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
