Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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