So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
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She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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