Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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