What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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