i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
