just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
