part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
