They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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