i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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