Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
