Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
