your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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