I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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