According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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