What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'