i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing