If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's shark week go big or go home
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.