Apparently you make a good broom.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
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I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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