i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
